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Dempsey
Tags: money, daughter of suicide, suicide prevention, mom, surviving suicide, fundraising
Article for the American Association of Suicidology “Survivng Suicide” newsletter to be published later this year
It has been 22 and a half years since my mother’s suicide in October 1987. I look at that number – 22 – and it startles me. It’s hard to believe that I have lived more of my life without my mother, than with her.
During those first 10 years after her death I carried the heavy load of her suicide every waking moment. I struggled with my own depression and feelings of abandonment and my anger spilled over and spread throughout my life, but in the 10th year after her death something changed. I took the first step of what would become the single most healing journey I made after her death. In October 1997 I started making DAUGHTER OF SUICIDE, a documentary film (that was to eventually air on HBO) about my mother’s life and death and about how we (her family and friends) survived it.
My initial thought was to make a documentary about the grassroots suicide prevention movement that was growing out of the survivor community. I thought I was doing just fine: I had survived a suicide and I might be able to help others. Looking back, I see how naïve I was – I was not “fine” ten years after my mother killed herself, I was a mess! But in that moment, I thought I was a pillar of strength; as a result, I started videotaping family members and friends while talking to them about my mom. A good friend volunteered to interview me for the project and suddenly I was making a film.
I interviewed my father and sister, my aunts and uncle, my grandmother, a cousin and my mom’s best friend. I talked and talked about my mom and I asked questions: Who was she? What was she like as a child? As a wife? As a young mother? As a friend? My father told me about her post-partum depression, my grandmother talked about her as a happy and precocious child, and her best friend told me how supportive and open she was as a friend. I heard over and over what a GOOD friend she was, what a GOOD wife she was, what a GOOD child she was… despite the darkness that she struggled with.
I began to understand what a wonderful woman my mother had been and started comparing the stories I was hearing with my own more recent memories of her depression and anger and eventual suicide. That last year of her life, and her eventual suicide, blotted out much of the happiness I felt as a child but suddenly I was learning something new. I was asking questions and actually getting answers about all of her ups and downs. Good memories were coming back and it felt like she was speaking to me through friends and family. I was finally in conversation with my mother! It was exciting and devastating -- the loss of her hit me all over again and the load of her suicide grew heavier as I moved forward documenting her life.
Several times during the three years it took for me to make DAUGHTER OF SUICIDE, I thought about walking away from the project. I lived my mother’s life and her death over and over again. I was immersed in its depth and struggled for perspective. I continued attending support groups and participating in the survivor community which was very helpful, but it was individuals outside that community (my family, friends, the documentary film community…) who recognized the importance of what I was doing who helped me get the film done.
When DAUGHTER OF SUICIDE was released in early 2000 I was invited to be a guest on a few TV shows, I traveled to film festivals and it eventually premiered on HBO. My pain, my family’s pain, was out there for everyone to see and it felt surprisingly good! It was as if the making of the film released all of my demons. My load was suddenly lighter despite the fact that my mom was still dead, still a suicide. I’d stepped into her darkness and came out the other side brighter, happier and freer.
It has now been ten years since DAUGHTER OF SUICIDE was released into the world and I can see the impact it had on my life. It allowed me to take time and really examine every part of my mother’s life: the good and the bad. I was able to put everything under the microscope and focus on her -- I saw the flecks of dirt and the pretty, shiny stuff and I was able to integrate her suicide into my life. I am no longer carrying the weight of it. Her suicide is just another part of me… a part like everything else. All of those interviews, all of that talking and all of that learning allowed me to let go of my bitterness and anger.
When people ask my advice about how to cope with a suicide I tell them what worked for me: to talk and ask questions and talk some more. Therapy - yes, support groups – yes, but most importantly – talk to the people who knew the person you lost. Talk to them about who that person was. Open a conversation with your lost one and talk until you can’t talk anymore. That conversation, in my experience, will eventually set you free.
My mom has missed so many landmarks – college graduations, masters degrees, marriages and commitment ceremonies, five grandchildren (two of them mine) and even more small moments – hugs, kisses, smiles, and the daily ups and downs that make up our lives. I still think about her on a daily basis and I wonder what life would have been like if she were still alive and if she knew my kids. I feel the loss of her, but I don’t linger there; instead, I celebrate who she was and her impact on all of our lives. I can’t wait for the day when my children are old enough to understand who their Grandma Bonnie was. I want to share all of the wonderful memories that I have!
About the Author
Dempsey Rice is a documentary filmmaker and mixed media artist in Brooklyn, NY. She lost her mother, Bonnie Rice, to suicide at the age of 18. Dempsey was a contributing member to the New York State Suicide Prevention Council, a public/private partnership that wrote the New York State Suicide Prevention Plan. You can learn more about Dempsey and her documentary film Daughter of Suicide (or purchase a copy of the film) at www.daughterofsuicide.com or email her directly at dempsey@dempseyrice.com.
Tags: daughter of suicide, suicide prevention, mom, surviving suicide
